"Top Ten" lists

The following are all original creations of Brian Prescott. Here are the top ten lists I presented during America Online Star Trek trivia games:

On March 24, 1997:

Top Ten 24th century advertising messages...

10. Landru Paper Towels... spills will be absorbed
9. New from Tommy Boy records... "Borg Jams"... featuring the dance hit "Borg-A-Rena"
8. Lost? Let a Pakled Galactic Positioning system help you find things.
7. Pep Boys... everything but anti-matter
6. Klingon filth got you down? Try a Romulan vacuum cleaner... it really sucks.
5. Selling a home? Call the Ferengi Realty, Appraisal, and Underwriting Division (or visit our website at www.fraud.com)
4. Guardian of Forever Express... when it absolutely, positively has to be there yesterday
3. Now playing... D 147: The Mighty Ducks... they might really lose this time. Honest.
2. Windows 71 with Helm Control Toolkit... where do you want to go today?

And the number one 24th century advertising message...

1. Got Synthale?

On January 11, 1997:

Top Ten first lines spoken by Morn...

10. "My name is Morn. James Morn."
9. "Darn. I could've had a V8."
8. "Rosebud..."
7. "Man, this suit is hot!"
6. "Morn, F.C.A." (Thanks to Really4rob for this one)
5. "Bud..." (after which Leeta says "Weis..." and Rom says "Er...")
4. "Drinks for everyone on me!"
3. "Quark, I still have never found a restroom here..."
2. "Oh boy, that tickles... he he he he..." (sorry, had to do it)

And the number one first line spoken by Morn...

1. "Go ahead... make my drink."

On December 21, 1996:

Top Ten classified ads in the Delta Quadrant Times...

10. Wanted: antimatter. Dealers welcome. kathy@voyager.federation.org
9. For sale: water storage tank, good condition. jabin@kazon.ogla.com
8. Q, I know we can work it out. XOXOXO KJ
7. SPCF seeks forward thinking Maje. seska@obsidian.ord. Be patient, mail is forwarded.
6. In memory of the Caretaker... NOT! Suspiria
5. MVM seeks logical female for meaningful one night stand. Subspace frequency 74656. Hurry.
4. We are looking for a few good automatons. 1-888-4FUTILE
3. Wanted to buy: Federation technology. Contact cullah@nistrim.org.
2. For trade: replicators. Wanted: spatial trajector, o.b.o.

And the number one classified ad in the Delta Quadrant Times...

1. Free cooking classes. Bring your own leola. chef@voyager.federation.org

On November 30, 1996:

Top Ten "All New" signs that you might need to "Get a Life"...

10. You are concerned because the U.S. Constitution talks about our nation's "founders"
9. You tried the "Looking for Par'mach" mating ritual on your spouse
8. You tried the "Par'mach" mating ritual on your spouse, and it worked
7. You make a living by selling dammit dolls
6. You have a cat named Spot
5. You have a dog named Spot
4. You have a child named Spot
3. The people from the Franklin Mint know you by name
2. You write John Colicos a weekly letter on his mispronounciation of "Ha'DIbaH" in "Blood Oath"

And the number one "All New" sign that you might need to "Get a Life"...

1. Mr. Colicos finally responded to your letters... with a restraining order

On October 26, 1996: (I was co-hosting with Ed 4 Uconn, and she asked me to come up with a top ten list for her)

Top Ten potential occurences of the number 47 in Star Trek...

10. The number of pet tribbles owned by Alexander Rozhenko
9. The IQ of the average Pakled
8. The percentage of Romulan teenagers who carry a disrupter with no stun setting
7. The number of Federation citizens who drink prune juice
6. Life expectancy (in weeks) of the average security officer on Kirk's Enterprise
5. The number of days until Tuvok's pon farr
4. The expected minimum tipping percentage at Quark's
3. The number of real hairs left on William Shatner's head
2. The number of Kazon it takes to screw in a light bulb

And the number one potential occurence of the number 47 in Star Trek...

1. You mean 47 is a special number in Star Trek???

On September 28, 1996:

Top Ten Captain Kirk lines cut from Original Series episodes...

10. Erasing a person's memory, Bones? It'll never work, not even in the future.
9. Scotty, save some of those brown tribbles. I might need a toupee someday.
8. Hey hey Chekov, stop monkeying around and comb that hair already.
7. Let me guess... Sylvia, in the dining room, with a transmuter?
6. Oh, all my gold tunics are dirty... I'll just have to wear this red one.
5. Maybe I should honor the Prime Directive this time.
4. No Bones, I have absolutely no interest in that scantily clad alien female.
3. Spock... why... do I... always... talk... like this?
2. We'll just leave this Khan guy here where he won't cause any more trouble.

And the Number One Captain Kirk line cut from an Original Series episode...

1. Uhura... you have the conn.

On September 14, 1996:

Top Ten "Brand Spankin' New" signs that you might need to "Get A Life"...

10. You bought a Chinese calendar and changed 1996 to "The Year of the Tribble"
9. Right after that, you changed 1997 to "The Year of the Vole"
8. When late for work, you blame it on a malfunctioning gel pack in your car
7. During trivia games, you try buttering up the host ("But Net... I love you man!")
6. You shaved your head and grew a goatee beard
5. You shaved your head, grew a goatee beard, and you're female
4. You wear your Star Trek uniform for jury duty
3. You (secretly, of course) refer to your boss as "The Big Veruul"
2. You spend your time creating silly Star Trek top ten lists

And the number one "Brand Spankin' New" sign that you might need to "Get A Life"...

1. Your children call you and your spouse "The Givers of Pain and Delight"

On August 24, 1996:

Top Ten Star Trek mysteries...

10. What is Tuvok going to do when pon farr rolls around?
9. When did Gul Macet change his name to Gul Dukat?
8. For that matter, when did Frederick La Rouque become a Cardassian?
7. And for THAT matter, when did Commander Tebok... aww, forget it.
6. Why is Worf always so cranky? ("Grrrrrr... replicated prune juice!!!)
5. What happened to Captain Sisko's eyebrows? Are they hanging out with Guinan's?
4. Is it natural for Pakleds to always look like they have "bitter beer face"?
3. Two words: Spot's gender.
2. How did Guinan light all those candles (in Generations) without bloody lightning bolts appearing?

And the number one Star Trek mystery...

1. How come the only people in the universe with an accent are Scotty and Chekov?

On July 12, 1996:

Disclaimer: I have absolutely nothing against Creations Conventions or the television show Babylon 5. I find Creation Cons to be relatively adequate, and I actually like some aspects of Babylon 5.

Top Ten reasons why Shore Leave cons are better than Creation cons...

10. Shore Leave has live AOL demos, Creation doesn't
9. Shore Leave doesn't use Klingons for security
8. Shore Leave doesn't use Flaxians for tight security
7. You got something good going when you can run a successful con overseas
6. Too many Minbari hang out at Creation cons
5. Too many Ferengi dealers at Creation cons
4. At Shore Leave, Rene Auberjonois does his Cardassian "neck trick" (just kidding)
3. Creation sounds too much like work; Shore Leave sounds more like fun
2. Too many used Spock ears sold at Creation cons (related to #5)

And the number one reason why Shore Leave cons are better than Creation cons...

1. Creation Conventions??? Never heard of 'em.

On June 1, 1996:

Top Ten "All New" signs that you might need to "Get A Life"...

10. You look for works of poetry by Tarbolde at the book store
9. You say "Engage" when you step on your car's accelerator
8. You address your parents as "Admirals"
7. You spent hours trying for an AOL name like "Data", "DancingDoc" OR "MrBroccoli"
6. You think springball should be an Olympic sport
5. You think that "my wife's turbolift doesn't go all the way to the bridge"
4. You can recite "Ode to Spot" from memory
3. You get a confused look when you ask for a 1.6 gigaquad hard drive
2. You've actually tried prune juice, and you like it

And the number one "All New" sign that you might need to "Get A Life"...

1. You think static on cell phones is caused by anti-lepton interference

On May 18, 1996:

Top Ten Enterprise-E upgrades...

10. Battle bridge moved to deck 13 for good luck
9. Baby changing station added to bridge head in case Lwaxana visits
8. Prune juice dispenser added to tactical to entice Worf's return
7. Three words: better power couplings
6. LCARS now utilizes Windows 71 interface (2371, that is)
5. Audible signal for incoming messages changed to "You've got mail"
4. Light display below view screen changed to advertising marquee
3. Velcro on seats automatically perform "Picard maneuver" upon standing
2. Emergency bridge lighting features integrated "Clapper"

And the number one Enterprise-E upgrade:

1. Litter boxes on every deck

On April 20, 1996:

Top Ten favorite holodeck programs on Federation starships...

10. Holo version of "Bat'telhing for Klutzes" by Worf
9. "Ferenginar on 3 Strips GPL Per Day" by Zek
8. "Risa (Including Jama'haron) on 10 Credits Per Day" by Riker
7. "The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders" by Riker (rated X)
6. Any rerun of the old Earth sitcom "Babylon 5"
5. "The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders" by Tom Paris (rated XX)
4. "Cooking the Talaxian Way" by Neelix
3. Any program by Lt. Barclay
2. "Men Are From Qo'nos, Women Are From Praxis" by Kra'tak

And the number one most popular holodeck program on Federation starships...

1. "The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders" by Wes Crusher (rated XXX)

On April 12, 1996:

Top Ten "All New" excuses why NetTrekker couldn't be here tonight...

10. He's in the hospital after accidentally eating Neelix's cooking
9. Mrs. Net received her order today from Victoria's Secret
8. Trying out for Babylon 5 trivia hour on the Microsoft Network
7. KP duty (Net's in the military, by the way)
6. He's at "Cybersurfers and the triviots who love them" on the next Geraldo
5. Trying to write the perfect ending to that "Young lady from Venus" limerick
4. Kissing up to drill sergeant (did I mention that Net's in the military?)
3. Bud... Weis... Er...
2. Net is really a holographic projection and his diodes need some work

And the number one "All New" excuse why NetTrekker couldn't be here tonight...

1. Data1701D asked him to help scan for life forms

On March 23, 1996:

Top Ten most unlikely Starfleet names and/or positions...

10. Yeoman Kara (bridge and bridge, what is bridge?)
9. Counselor Barclay
8. Admiral Barclay
7. Ten Forward host Barclay
6. Captain Lone Star (shameless movie reference)
5. Commander Skywalker
4. Captain Oveur (surely another shameless movie reference)
3. Conn officer Stryker (and don't call me Shirley)
2. Captain Kangaroo

And the number one all time most unlikely Star Trek name...

1. Mrs. James T. Kirk

(For those of you who do not get #3 and #4 above, go watch the Airplane! movies, and come back in a month or so when you're done laughing. :D)

On March 2, 1996:

Top Ten "All New" ways you can tell if you need to get a life...

10. When the phone rings, you reach for your Playmates classic communicator
9. You're still looking for the Betazed consulate in San Francisco
8. You get a blank stare at the book store when asking for "LCARS for Dummies"
7. You scour the newspapers looking for the birth of "Cochrane, Zefram"
6. You own all 100,000 different Playmates Star Trek figures
5. You think "Pigs in Space" refers not to the Muppets but a lost Tellarite episode
4. You still stop by Ramada Inn looking for "no purchase necessary" Generations game cards
3. You think the Botany Bay will be stowed in the shuttle's cargo bay on one of these missions
2. Your PC spell checker accepts "Romulan" as a valid word

And the number one "All New" way you can tell if you need to get a life...

1. They let you host your own Star Trek trivia game